The Start Of It All
by Music4ever1617
Summary: One of the guys of BTR had a depressing, suicidal, angsty life before leaving to LA. Follow him on his past memories.  Based on a true story.
1. Prologue

**I don't own Skype, Paramore's song For a ****Pessimist**** I'm Pretty Optimistic or Big Time Rush. I like to be honest these events are loosely based off of my life. **

You would think I have it all, money, fame, great friends.I've been in Los Angeles for about a year now. But it was long journey to get here. My life back at home was not perfect not even close. I was depressed since I was thirteen I had severe mood swings, anger issues and possibly a eating disorder. My parents constantly would argue over my grades or my behavior. I remember the night of my first ever performance in front of people when I was thirteen my parents were yelling at each other on the way to the venue.

" _Where the hell are the batteries for the camera?" My father asked my mother angrily while driving. _

" _They're in the camera."_

" _Apparently not because I just looked in the camera," my father's voice raises. _

" _I put them in the camera before I left," this time my mother's voice raises. _

" _Would you two stop fighting?" I blurt out. My parents turn to face me._

" _This is none of your business," they both say at the same time. I frown and tears begin to fall down my face. _

One time I was walking to my mom's car I was irritated. My day was terrible to make matters worse my mother kicked me out of the car.

" _Get out of the car! You're walking home!" My mother shouts at me, I swing the car door open and jump out of the car. My mother speeds away leaving me into front of the school. Tears spill out of my eyes I scream, " I hate you! I fucking hate you!" I begin my journey to my home. As I reached the end of the street I see my mother in her car waiting. _

" _Get in the car," she says. I open the car door and slide in. _

_Later the after that afternoon I call Logan I enter my bathroom so no one can hear. Two rings he picks up. _

" _Hey what's up?"_

" _Logan something happened," my voice shakes on the phone. _

" _What happened ?" He says with concern. _

" _My mom kicked me out of the car. She-she made me walk home," I shakily say tears roll down my face. I sniffle a bit._

" _Are you okay?"_

" _I'm I'm fine" I lie. I hear my father come in my room. " My father's home, see you later." I quickly say hanging up. I wipe away my tears and emerge from the bathroom._

" _Who were you talking to?" my father asks me._

" _Logan he was asking me what was the homework," I grab a towel then head back into my bathroom to take a shower. _

_The next day at school Logan came up to me really concerned. _

" _I tried calling you fifty times last time after you hung up." _

" _I turned off my phone." _

" _I thought you were going to do something drastic," I pull him into a hug._

" _I wouldn't do that," I lied. I thought about cutting myself over a slight overdose on pain killers. _

As months would pass on by my father would travel without telling me where he would be. One time I got my report card for the first quarter. I did ok not the greatest I had two A's, 3 Bs , 1 C and a horrible D. My mother wasn't upset but I could tell in her eyes that she was pissed off. My mother made me tell my father about my grades. He wasn't too happy. My mother was talking to him on Skype later that night.

" _Do you want to talk to you son?" she asks my father. _

" _No I don't want to," anger boils through my system. How dare he? I slam my door close grab my ipod shove the headphones in my ears. I scan through my playlist and found the perfect song. _

_I begin to sing along with the song loudly._

"_**So what did you think I would say?**_

_**No you can't run away, no you can't run away**_

_**So what did you think I would say?**_

_**No you can't run away, no you can't run away**_

_**You wouldn't**_

_**I never wanted to say this**_

_**You never wanted to stay**_

_**I put my faith in you, so much faith**_

_**And then you just threw it away**_

_**You threw it away**_

_**I'm not so naive**_

_**My sorry eyes can see**_

_**The way you fight shy**_

_**Of almost everything**_

_**Well, if you give up**_

_**You'll get what you deserve"**_

Every day now sing out my feelings how I felt about being back home with my parents. I'm so fucking happy that I'm with my friends that actually care about me. I'm here with them not my parents. No one of them know about my past I may tell them about it. But, for now they don't need to know.

Hi my name is James Diamond I hate my parents and I almost overdosed back when I was sixteen.

**Please no bad reviews. Please review! They mean a lot to me. =) **


	2. College Process

I** own nothing except the ideas and plot! This will be the average length for each chapter. I think I will have only 4- 7 chapters for this story. I don't yet and there will be OCS and not every chapter Logan, Carlos and Kendall will make appearances. **

Wind blowing through my hair as I sprint around park in this early morning air. The sun just rose about the horizon I'm one of the only people running in the park. Everyone is back at the apartment sleeping as usual everyday since we got to LA I would run around five forty-five until six-thirty everyday. I would run out of stress, anger and depression how I wished I could just run of out my house when something went wrong back in Minnesota but I never could.

Things would get in my way like school work, friends, rumors, girls, and college searching. I used to be paranoid about my grades like Logan. I would flip out if I got below an 85 on anything including hard-ass tests. I want to get into college, major in theater and fame would come right in. But, my mother was fine with idea of going more like pursuing to attend at UCLA or Berkley but when my father saw the prices he said one word, " No."

_I lean my body against the granite counter watching my mother cook eggs for herself and my mother._

" _Have you been checking out other colleges in California besides UCLA?" She asks me. _

" _I have, only a few though."_

" _You're not going there, to any of those colleges. Did you see the prices for out of state? Fifty six thousand! Unless you get a scholarship you're not attending?" My father says. I want to smash my fists against the counter to release anger but that would piss off my parents. _

" _I'm sorry dad but the's no way I can get a scholarship because only two people can get it. I don't by chance have a 3.5 GPA since freshmen year. I only have a 2.95 GPA," I storm out of the kitchen I hear my mother say something to my father as I exit. _

" _why are you discouraging him from applying?"I sprint up the stairs closing my door shut. _

" _Why does college have to be so fucking expensive? Shouldn't it be free if it's a public college?" I say to myself pacing around my bedroom. _

Even though I don't need to attend college at this moment of time. I would like to get my undergraduate in theater, maybe when I'm in my mid-twenties in case this fame doesn't work out. But, I'm pushing myself for success for Big Time Rush.

High School counselors should have mention to the freshmen about accumulative GPA counting in your freshmen. That really bothered me so my chances have been minimized and a month before heading out to California with Gustavo the counselors had a meeting with all juniors about college.

_There are over __ninety__ students and parents sitting in the band room listening to the counselors ramble on college processes mostly was common sense. The thing that caught my attention was about California colleges. _

" _Since we are students outside of California and students applying to California colleges will be placed second. Students in that state are first __priority__," one counselor says. I let out a heavy sigh, great. My chances are shrinking. Life is really playing with me. _

Even though I was second priority for California colleges I planned on applying but Gustavo came along. So when Big Time Rush ends, I hope not, I will apply to UCLA and Berkley . There's an option for me then.

**A/N: Please review they mean a lot to me. **

**If you think this story shouldn't continue please tell me then I will just delete this chapter and keep it a ****one-shot.**** You're opinions matter. **


	3. Songs

**I own nothing! Song is Numb by Linkin Park**

Kendall, Logan, Carlos, Katie and Mrs. Knight were not found in the apartment as I entered after my morning run. Strange it' almost seven and no one is home. Maybe they went out for breakfast or something. I hop into the hot,steaming shower, by the kitchen, to cool down after the run. I change quickly into black sweats and my favorite black tank my eyes shift to a note hanging on the fridge.

**James, **

**I took everyone for early morning breakfast. We should be back by eight. **

**- Mrs. K**

I smile softly I don't really like going out for breakfast that much. I already ate before my run anyways. I sit by the small piano upstairs by my bedroom lazily beginning pressing on keys.

_Running my fingers along the black and white keys of my piano in my home. Trying to come up with a new song. It's been four months since I've written something I'm getting concerned. " Come on James think of something to write," I say out loud to myself. Ideas fly around my mind one sticks out, high school life from hell. Perfect. I hate school so fucking much. I'm considered a loner since I only hang out with Kendall, Logan and Carlos. I'm sorry that everyone is so fake, bitchy and ignorant. People have such high expectations of you it drives me crazy and I don't want to someone that I'm not. _

_I begin to scribble down lyrics and play chords fitting it into the song. As I finish writing I begin to play the song entirely with sining included. _

I begin to play the song I wrote back when I was fifteen and singing along.

_I__**'m tired of being what you want me to be**_

_**Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface**_

_**I don't know what you're expecting of me**_

_**Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes**_

_**I've become so numb I can't feel you there**_

_**Become so tired so much more aware**_

_**I'm becoming this all I want to do**_

_**Is be more like me and be less like you**_

_**Can't you see that you're smothering me?**_

_**Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control**_

_**Cause everything that you thought I would be**_

_**Has fallen apart right in front of you**_

_**(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)**_

_**Every step that I take is another mistake to you**_

_**(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)**_

_**And every second I waste is more than I can take**_

_**And I know I may end up failing too**_

_**But I know you were just like me**_

_**With someone disappointed in you**_

_**I've become so numb I can't feel you there**_

_**I'm tired of being what you want me to be**_

_**I've become so numb I can't feel you there**_

_**I'm tired of being what you want me to be**_

That was the last time I've written a song was two years ago. Ideas are in my head but I can't find the write words to put them in a song. I don't like the feeling I loved writing songs. I've written about nine starting when I was twelve up to fifteen but I scrapped about three of them. Sadly I haven't found the courage to show Gustavo or anyone else. I only showed Kendall a few of my songs he's say they're great but I'm still nervous.

**Please review they mean a lot to me! :) **

**I actually cried one time while I listened to the song Numb. It's been my favorite song since I was about eleven. **


	4. Breakdown

**I own nothing except the plot and the flashback. The flashback that James has I actually did that, over the recent summer. I ****recommend**** listening to Numb by Linkin Park or Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan to this chapter. **

**Please review! **

I stand up from the piano and move over to the full length mirror. I run my fingers through my hair then my eyes shift down to my inner forearms. There are faded scratch marks that I caused the night before my big audition last year.

_Music is blaring through my speakers as I continue to work out. Things racing through my mind, friends, family, life itself. I've become numb to everything. I don't really care much about anything or anyone. Out of no where tears start streaming down my face. I've now become angry almost like a creature leased from itself cage. I toss my __resistance__ bands to the ground and jump onto my bed and begin to scream into the comforter. My parents aren't home at the moment. I let out several __violent__ screams into the comforter. Anger, rage, displeasure, annoyance the list could go on of the emotions seething through my body._

_I sit up tears tumbling down my cheeks chaos is in my system. I begin to scratch my forearms hard and deep. Redness appears on my skin and the stray nail impressions. I continue for a good ten minutes. Hundreds of red streaks on my flesh. _

That was one of emotional break downs that I had. . Luckily, no one was in the house when I did have them.

I've had around three, excluding the one before my audition, a year agoAll from rage, depression, confusion, hatred, betrayal.

I would scream endlessly until my body couldn't take it.

I would cry until their were no more tears that could be shed.

No one knew about their break downs. I kept them to myself. I'm impressed with myself that I've broken down in a year. I want to keep it that way.

**I hope this wasn't too depressing, well ok it was depressing to me. **

**Please review! :) **


	5. Single

**I own nothing! This chapter has less angst compared to the last one. My fanfiction is acting weird saying that I had zero hits in my recent chapters of all my stories. So I really hope people are reading this. **

I rub my arms up and down, the nail marks still visible. I move over to the desk in my bedroom and sit there to think.

For the longest time I've been single, all my life I've been single. I am a bit of a flirt but I haven't dated anyone yet.

There hasn't been that suitable girl for me. I want someone who's caring, intelligent, fun, exciting, passionate, and always there. And yet, no one has to mind.

I want to have someone to share moments with me. Going to the park to lay by the water, going ice skating, watching the sun rise, stare at the stars, or even just sit on the roof tops watching LA traffic move on by.

It honestly get's fairly lonely. No one there to hug you, tell you that they love you, give you a kiss, spend quality time, tell them that you love them, just someone there. It's not like I don't like my best friends but that's a different relationship.

I know I'm only seventeen but you know what if I find that great person out there for me then why not I get married. I could get married maybe by the time I'm twenty-one or even when I'm twenty-nine. I plan on getting married before I'm thirty. I even want to have a family someday.

Having someone with you is special and I want that. But, you know maybe, unconventionally I could meet that perfect someone for me.

I hear the front door swing open, Kendall chatting away to his mother. Head downstairs to help them out with the groceries.

" Hey James, how was your morning run?" Kendall asks me as he puts the cans into the cabin.

" Good as usual, how was grocery shopping?" Logan laughs.

" You mean getting mobbed by fans?" I raise an eyebrow.

" Yup, after I don't five minutes of the store you could hear teenage girls screaming for Big Time Rush. We signed autographs and took pictures with them for about an hour while my mother and sister went shopping," Carlos says. I smile softly, " but they were sad that you weren't with us."

" Well maybe next time I'll come you guys," the guys and I finish putting away the groceries.

" Do you want to go to the pool today?" Kendall asks.

" Yes!" Logan, Carlos and I say at the same time.

**Please please pretty please with cherries on top review! They mean so much to me it's unbelievable how much they mean to me. :) **


	6. Wonder

**I own nothing except the plot and ideas. **

**Thank you to everyone! I reached over a thousand hits and this the most favorited story that I've written. So thank you! :) **

The rest of the day was filled with joy, tackling each other into the pool. See who's the fastest swimmer by doing ten laps. The guys and I bad attempts at flirting.

I finish washing my face and brushing my teeth walk into the bedroom. I slide into bed, " night Kendall."

" Night James," he replies. I fall into a deep slumber.

" _I don't think I can trust you," my mom says as I dry the large, butcher's knife. _

" _Trust me at college? There aren't kitchens in our rooms," I reply._

" _No at home James. You didn't do the dishes."_

" _Sorry I forgot,"I can feel her rolling her eyes at me._

"_Talking to you gives me a headache, you always argue back," she leaves the kitchen. I run my fingers lazily on the knife's flat side, wondering how badly it would hurt to plunge it into my side or how it feel sliding it across my wrists. _

_I don't tempt myself since my parents and younger brothers Alex and Scott are home. I put it into the knife holder and make my way to my room. _

_XX_

_Sitting in my room __squeezing__ the nail file in my hand. Knuckles turning white a bit of blood seeps out of my hand. I open my palm and let go of the file I run my fingers along the cut. Blood is on my fingertips. I push my thumb into the pointed end, there's a small __puncture__ created. Blood slides down my thumb slowly I don't do a thing only watch. _

_There was __minimal__ pain while doing so. My body feels numb I can't feel any pain probably from all the anger racing through my body. _

I shot up from my dreams. Sweat rolls down my forehead my bangs are plastered to my face. I shift my body to face Kendall he's sleeping softly. I stand up and grab my laptop and head over to the living room.

**Please Review! :) **


	7. Off the Wall

**I own nothing! I got all the information about the disorders from 4degreez. These were my results when I took it but I edited them a bit. **

Typing in the Google search bar, Personality Disorder Tests. I know that there's something wrong with me but it could be just hormones or something. I click on the first web-link and begin to answer all the questions.

Ten minutes later I click submit and read my score.

**Paranoid: Moderate**

**Schizoid: High**

**Schizotypal: Very High**

**Antisocial: High**

**Borderline****: Very High**

**Histrionic****: Moderate**

**Narcissistic: Moderate**

**Avoidant: Very High**

**Dependent: Moderate**

**Obsessive-Compulsive: High**

I press the read more on Schizoid, Schizotypal, Borderline, and Avoidant.

**Schizoid:** _People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. Unlike avoidants, schizoids genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived by others as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."_

**Schizotypal: **_Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow._

" I doubt I have schizophrenia," I say quietly.

**Borderline****: **_Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met._

**Avoidant:** _Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about __embarrassing__ themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence._

I let out a heavy sigh, what am I going to do now? I'm apparently sorta crazy, nutters, off the wall. Problem is no one can know this. Dude it's not 100% accurate and I'm only eighteen. I should just leave it alone. Yeah, James just leave it alone.

Please review! :)


	8. Breakdown II

**I own nothing except the memory. **

**Another **VERY VERY SUPER** angsty flashback that again happened to me. **

**While writing this I honestly nearly cried. **

I enter my bedroom again, my alarm clock read 2:30 am. I begin slowly fall back to sleep.

_I slam my bedroom door shut, a loud bang rings through the house. I got into a fight with my mother again. Alex and Scott are at heading to baseball practice with my mom driving and my father is on his way home from work. I'm home alone. _

_Rage is seething through my veins I'm completely fuming. Anger, depression, confused, perplexed. _

_Tears are covering my face I let out a blood-curling scream. I don't care if the neighbors hear. _

_I violently throw my pillows everywhere across my room yelling while doing so. _

_I throw myself into my chair and begin to cry. Placing my hands on my face. Tears spilling angrily down my face. _

_Sobs thwack my body, constantly. Sniffling loudly, choking on the throaty sobs. _

_I pound my fists onto my hard desk. Pounding, loud and fast. _

" _I hate my life! Let me die! I want to __**DIE! PLEASE LET ME DIE!**__" I yell out loud. Begging for death but I know it won't come. " I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to die. Please, please let me die. I'm not worth living. No one will ever love me!" _

My body jolts I'm awake the second time tonight. Sweat beading down my face, my clothing and hair is plastered to my skin.

" James are you alright? I heard you scream," Kendall asks me as he sits next to me on my bed.

" Sorry Kendall. I'm fine don't worry about me. Go back to sleep," I reply. Kendall shrugs and heads back to his bed.

That nightmare happened last year. It was one of the lowest points in my life. I asked for death, but I don't mean it. I sadly think about it but I just can't do it.

I try to look on the brighter side of things. I have great friends and I may find my soul mate.

XXXXXXX

Please review they mean a lot to me! :)


	9. Closure

**I own nothing, the song used is This is Our Someday- BTR. **

**This is the ending of The Start Of It All. **

**Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited, alerted this story. Thank you! **

Im sitting by the piano lazily pressing the black and white keys. Humming a tune, a random tune. I hear footsteps I turn around to see Logan. I smile at him and motion for him to sit by me.

" Hey Logan."

" Hey James. What are you up to?" He asks while watching me continuing to press the keys.

" Nothing really. Where's Kendall and Carlos? I want to sing This Is Our Someday together?"

" Oh they should be coming up now." I nod my head. The front swings open you hear Kendall and Carlos head up the stairs.

" I can't believe you pushed Jo into the pool Kendall," Carlos says as they reach the top step. Logana and I knit our eyebrow together. Kendall tossed Jo into the pool? Interesting.

" It was an accident Carlos really. I didn't see her there at the edge." Carlos laughs. " What are you two doing?" Kendall says pointing to Logan and I.

" About to sing This is our someday. Let's sing it," Logan states. I soon begin to play the song on the piano.

_**When everyday feels like the other**_

_**When everywhere looks just the same**_

_**When every dream seems like forever**_

_**And your a face without a name**_

_**Maybe now is our best chance**_

_**To finally get it right**_

_**Just look at the world as an apple**_

_**And its time to take a bite**_

_**Oh oh oh oh oh (2x)**_

_**There are times, times we wonder**_

_**Will the spotlight shine on me**_

_**Don't let the waves go and pull us under**_

_**I missed the opportunity**_

_**Don't look down or look back**_

_**Its not that far to go**_

_**Cause if we never trap it**_

_**We will never really know**_

_**Someday it will come together**_

_**Someday we will work it out**_

_**I know we can turn it up all the way**_

_**(Cause this is our someday)**_

_**Someday is what we make it**_

_**Someday is like here and now**_

_**What way what way what way**_

_**Cause this is our someday**_

While singing this song I'm thinking about how far I, and my friends, have gotten. I mean everything I went through all the depression issues I got to live my dream. I'm living the dream. I should focus on the future and less on the past. This is our someday.

" Hey guys I need to tell you something," I begin to say. I'm going to tell the guys about my past, that will be the closure I need.

**That' is the end. **

**This was so much fun, depressing, emotional for me to write. **

**I'm really thankful for everyone who posted a review on this.**

**Jazzlikesyourface**

**Ebony and ivory eyes**

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**Fin! **


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